White As Snow

So…I started writing this entry the week before thanksgiving…and I am finally putting it up now. So much had happened since then, good and bad, but despite what has happened, God is good. SO…here it is : )

Life…is a roller coaster. It has its ups and it has its downs. It has its turns and it also has its straight paths, and its predictable moments. The point is, Life can be unexpected, but it can also be predictable.

For the past three months I have been on a huge roller coaster of a ride. There have been times where I have been excited, times where I have felt joy, times where I have felt safe, other times I have felt insecure, times I felt scared, times I felt unsure. I have felt confident, I have felt beautiful. I have felt pushed down, I have felt worthless. I have felt all this and more. It got to the point where I dreaded the next day to come because I honestly didn’t know whether it was going to be a good day or a bad day. I was on a roller coaster and one thing I noticed was that the more and more I rode on it the further and further I seemed to be getting from God. To those of you reading this that do believe in God, you know how scary and how frightening being far from God can be. At least that is how I feel when I am not seeking Him as much as I should. I begin to feel lost, and nervous. I begin to worry and become frightened…I just feel like I have lost something and am struggling to find it.

Continuing on…the past two to three months have just been a mess, and I honestly can’t blame anyone but myself for how things have turned out to be. I have tried to find ways to make myself not be the one to blame but nope, it’s me. I have made many mistakes, and I have made bad decisions. For the past couple of months I have felt lost. Completely lost. And I know that the reason I have felt lost is because I have fallen off my path in seeking God. I have fallen for worldly things; I have been tempted in many ways…I have just fallen. And the crappy part of all this was not seeking God like I should have. I felt like attention from others was more important than seeking the one who has given me attention my whole life. I felt that I had finally found a great place to be. I got invited to hang out by new friends, I felt accepted, and I felt confident. It was what I had always wanted, to be invited to parties or to go to the movies without me having to ask to be invited. (Side Note: For those of you who haven’t known me long, most of my life has consisted of me not being invited places. I have no idea why. I mean I am friendly I’m nice, I am caring, but I guess I have always felt like I was the girl that no one really cared to invite because I was probably not fun. And maybe that is true or not true. I have no idea.) SO anyways continuing on. I had finally felt accepted and invited and felt great. Except I felt empty, like something was missing, and that something kept nudging at me, trying to get my attention. Yet I chose to put it aside to focus on my “happy new life.”

Well here I am, nearing the end of the year and the events that have occurred these past months have (I feel) backtracked my spiritual growth in Christ. I was able to go snowboarding today by myself and it was kind of a wake up call. I had no distractions, nothing to focus on, it was just me, my thoughts and God…and I came to realize that no matter what I have done, no matter what I have thought, no matter how much I have screwed up in the past, God has made me clean and has forgiven me for my transgressions. For the past three weeks or so I have been reading Psalm 51 out loud (I don’t know why I have started reading out loud…I feel like it gives me a sense of peace when I do read it out loud..) and it has given me hope for the future and hope in my God. The main verses that have stuck out to me are these:

“Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.” (v. 7-12 NIV)

I want to be on fire for our God. I want to have a pure heart and a steadfast spirit. I want to be what he has called me to be. I know I am not perfect and I may never get to where he wants me to be, but I can still try. I will still make mistakes, I will still make bad decisions, and I will still mess up but most importantly, my God will always, without a doubt, forgive me. He will lead me. He will catch me if I fall. He will comfort me and strengthen me when it is needed...and He will always make me white as snow. God will always be there…and it’s crazy how often I forget that, and how often I allow my emotions and thoughts to get the best of me. Everyone…your emotions should not control you, your thoughts should not control you. You have control over those things and you have the power to not feel sad, or angry or depressed, or jealous, etc. I know, trust me I know how hard it is to not let things bother you. That is one of my greatest weaknesses. I allow things to affect me way more than they should and honestly I have no doubt that Satan knows this and makes it ten times worse for me. But we have to remember that God does not want that for us!! He wants us to feel Joy, not sadness.

Sorry again that this is so long. I even had to shorten it because I had so much to write about but anyways. I hope that wherever you may be at in life, whether it be in a good place or a bad place, you remember that God loves you so so so much. You are so dear to Him and you mean the world to Him. You are never alone, and never will be alone…all you have to do is call him and he will appear.

Thanks again for taking the time to read this! Happy holidays everyone :) Au revoir mes amies!

En-Joy

Have you ever thought about what the word Enjoy means? I mean, everyone knows that to enjoy something means to take pleasure in something, to be content with something or doing something. Two months ago as I was sitting in church at Red Rocks, the pastor began to preach about this word, but instead of taking it as the normal definition he broke it down into two parts. The first part was the latin word EN. En means to fill, to cover, to put into or onto, to provide with, or to pour itself into. Not too complicated yeah? And the second part of the word is JOY. Joy defined is: a feeling of great delight and happiness. SO essentially, the word enjoy means, to cover, pour itself into, to provide with, or to put in a feeling of great delight and happiness. So when you enjoy something it means that that something has poured delight and happiness into you.


I always hear the phrase, as I'm sure you all have too, "Enjoy the little things." For my first blog I wanted to focus on that saying, and say that it is so true! There have been countless days in which the littlest thing has cause me to be joyful, or caused me to be sad, to be mad, to be frustrated, to be happy. Little things, in fact have a great effect on how we feel and think about everything. Don't you remember the last time a little thing made you feel something? How maybe a hug or a smile from someone filled you with joy and happiness. Maybe the little thing you are thinking about made you feel sad, or mad even. What I am trying to get to is that there are somedays, not always, but sometimes, you have those days where you are just down. Those days where you feel like nothing can get you out of your mood. And then suddenly it just takes one little thing to brighten you up. One thing to turn it around and make you see, feel, gain, and reach that joy. And that, is what God wants for us.


God wants us to feel joy.


Better yet God commands us to be joyful.


"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice."
Philippians 4:2


Think about that. How amazing and loving and caring is our God that He commands his people to be joyful, and not sorrowful. You see, God put us on this earth to build relationships not just with people, but with Him. Not just to love others, but to love Him. And by loving Him you have everything! By choosing Him over all worldly things you don't need anything else because our God will provide it for you. He is the source of our joy. And the only true source of pure, legitimate joy. All we have to do is ask for it, and we will receive it...yet we always go back to seeking joy and happiness through worldy things. We seek it in clothes, in accesories, in people, in relationships, in movies, etc. Worldly things...eventually pass away, they die off and all you are left with is emptiness once you've become dependent on that. Sure it makes you feel good for a little while but then you cotinue to search for it again. We always forget that true joy is found in our God. It is found in him and him alone. And with that kind of joy, what else would we need? C.H. Spurgeon did a whole sermon over Joy and I attached a link if you are interested. One thing I never forget that he said was:


"...rejoice in God. He changes not. If the Lord be your joy, your joy will never dry up. All other things are but for a season; but God is for ever and ever. Make him your joy, the whole of your joy, and then let this joy absorb your every thought. Be baptized into this joy; plunge into the deeps of this unutterable bliss of joy in God."

JOY. I feel like it has been the theme of my life this year. It keeps popping up, and it keeps moving me forward. For the longest time I thought I had to search for Joy, to keep looking and looking for it. Yet when i did this I could never find it. I feel like I've been searching for the joy I thought I lost for the longest time. And out of nowhere the littlest things bring it back to me again. And those are the moments...those are the times when I give thanks to my God. I give thanks because these moments, which i crave on a daily basis, happen to occur when I most need them. It's always as if God is like, "Not yet Siam, not yet my child, you will get that joy, I promise, but just wait and be patient and trust in me. And when I bless you with it you will not be disappointed." And the truth is I never am : ] I got to experience a tidal wave of joy this summer when i went on a missions trip to Zimbabwe. God showed himself in so many ways, through so many moments, through these people. The picture at the top of this blog is a picture of me and one of the little kids at the orphanage we helped at. His name is Wellington. This night we took so many pictures and the best part about it was seeing this little kid's face brighten up when he saw himself on my camera. The other kids had a blast too! I miss them all and love them so much, but more on that later :) The point is, I have neer felt so much joy than when i was over there and maybe that is where i am meant to be, maybe not. I may not know but God knows. God knows my heart. He knows my deepest desires. He knows who I truly am. I know that I am not perfect, I know that I am weak, I know that I sin every single day of my life, yet despite this and many more things, I know that I have a God who loves me for who I am and knows me inside and out. And although i may not know where my life is headed, He does. And that-- is worth everything.


So : ] sorry this first blog is kinda long, but if you made it through it, thanks! I hope it made you think a bit and made you remember how much God loves you and cares for you. I am not sure how often these blogs will be made haha, but I appreciate you reading this one and possibly the ones to come. Remember to enjoy the little things, because most of the time God is found in them even if you don't know it ;)


Au Revoir!


P.s. Here are the links to Spurgeon's sermon and Red Rocks Church sermons too!


http://www.apibs.org/chs/2405.htm

http://www.redrockschurch.com/sermons/