So…I started writing this entry the week before thanksgiving…and I am finally putting it up now. So much had happened since then, good and bad, but despite what has happened, God is good. SO…here it is : )
Life…is a roller coaster. It has its ups and it has its downs. It has its turns and it also has its straight paths, and its predictable moments. The point is, Life can be unexpected, but it can also be predictable.
For the past three months I have been on a huge roller coaster of a ride. There have been times where I have been excited, times where I have felt joy, times where I have felt safe, other times I have felt insecure, times I felt scared, times I felt unsure. I have felt confident, I have felt beautiful. I have felt pushed down, I have felt worthless. I have felt all this and more. It got to the point where I dreaded the next day to come because I honestly didn’t know whether it was going to be a good day or a bad day. I was on a roller coaster and one thing I noticed was that the more and more I rode on it the further and further I seemed to be getting from God. To those of you reading this that do believe in God, you know how scary and how frightening being far from God can be. At least that is how I feel when I am not seeking Him as much as I should. I begin to feel lost, and nervous. I begin to worry and become frightened…I just feel like I have lost something and am struggling to find it.
Continuing on…the past two to three months have just been a mess, and I honestly can’t blame anyone but myself for how things have turned out to be. I have tried to find ways to make myself not be the one to blame but nope, it’s me. I have made many mistakes, and I have made bad decisions. For the past couple of months I have felt lost. Completely lost. And I know that the reason I have felt lost is because I have fallen off my path in seeking God. I have fallen for worldly things; I have been tempted in many ways…I have just fallen. And the crappy part of all this was not seeking God like I should have. I felt like attention from others was more important than seeking the one who has given me attention my whole life. I felt that I had finally found a great place to be. I got invited to hang out by new friends, I felt accepted, and I felt confident. It was what I had always wanted, to be invited to parties or to go to the movies without me having to ask to be invited. (Side Note: For those of you who haven’t known me long, most of my life has consisted of me not being invited places. I have no idea why. I mean I am friendly I’m nice, I am caring, but I guess I have always felt like I was the girl that no one really cared to invite because I was probably not fun. And maybe that is true or not true. I have no idea.) SO anyways continuing on. I had finally felt accepted and invited and felt great. Except I felt empty, like something was missing, and that something kept nudging at me, trying to get my attention. Yet I chose to put it aside to focus on my “happy new life.”
Well here I am, nearing the end of the year and the events that have occurred these past months have (I feel) backtracked my spiritual growth in Christ. I was able to go snowboarding today by myself and it was kind of a wake up call. I had no distractions, nothing to focus on, it was just me, my thoughts and God…and I came to realize that no matter what I have done, no matter what I have thought, no matter how much I have screwed up in the past, God has made me clean and has forgiven me for my transgressions. For the past three weeks or so I have been reading Psalm 51 out loud (I don’t know why I have started reading out loud…I feel like it gives me a sense of peace when I do read it out loud..) and it has given me hope for the future and hope in my God. The main verses that have stuck out to me are these:
“Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.” (v. 7-12 NIV)
I want to be on fire for our God. I want to have a pure heart and a steadfast spirit. I want to be what he has called me to be. I know I am not perfect and I may never get to where he wants me to be, but I can still try. I will still make mistakes, I will still make bad decisions, and I will still mess up but most importantly, my God will always, without a doubt, forgive me. He will lead me. He will catch me if I fall. He will comfort me and strengthen me when it is needed...and He will always make me white as snow. God will always be there…and it’s crazy how often I forget that, and how often I allow my emotions and thoughts to get the best of me. Everyone…your emotions should not control you, your thoughts should not control you. You have control over those things and you have the power to not feel sad, or angry or depressed, or jealous, etc. I know, trust me I know how hard it is to not let things bother you. That is one of my greatest weaknesses. I allow things to affect me way more than they should and honestly I have no doubt that Satan knows this and makes it ten times worse for me. But we have to remember that God does not want that for us!! He wants us to feel Joy, not sadness.
Sorry again that this is so long. I even had to shorten it because I had so much to write about but anyways. I hope that wherever you may be at in life, whether it be in a good place or a bad place, you remember that God loves you so so so much. You are so dear to Him and you mean the world to Him. You are never alone, and never will be alone…all you have to do is call him and he will appear.
Thanks again for taking the time to read this! Happy holidays everyone :) Au revoir mes amies!
